Totally Random

It used to be that the cops would take criminal suspects to Ngong' forest, remove their handcuffs, order them to start running and promptly shoot them in the back the minute they put one foot in front of the other. They would then spin us some yarn about suspects ‘escaping from custody’. Then they graduated to dragging suspects out of their cars, into the bushes and out of sight of passing traffic and putting bullets through their heads. And again we would hear long stories of attempts to escape from custody. Now they’ve completely dispensed with the pretence; they’re shooting them in broad daylight and in full sight of the whole country. Now that’s progress. A week later and I still haven’t figured out how a man lying face-down on the ground, with his hands behind his head can ‘return fire’. The mind boggles.

In neighbouring Uganda, the 'rolling stones' editor reckons it’s not his and his rag’s fault that some nutter went after David Kato with a hammer. His argument is that all he wanted was for “the government to hang people who promote homosexuality, not for the public to attack them ….We said they should be hanged, not stoned or attacked”. That’s alright then.

If it turns out that the 'rolling stones' publication had something to do with David Kato's death then they have to take some responsibility for that. They might not have called the crazy dude up and asked him to do what he did, but the world is full of nutters wielding hammers and we do have a certain responsibility not to give them a reason to use them.

And while we're on the subject, we have to move on from this obsession we have with homosexuality. Who we choose to shag is nobody else's business but ours; not the government's, not the general public's and certainly not the media's. Our sexual preferences are not what’s “ravaging the moral fabric of our nation”. Look to the leaders who wilfully keep the country in ignorance and poverty for that.

In other news, if Mr. Mutharika has his way, it’ll soon be an offence to fart in public in Malawi. Apparently, the Malawian government in a bid to 'mould responsible and disciplined citizens', plans to punish persistent offenders 'who foul the air'. I’m sorry, what? You have Chinese ‘investors’ running amok in the country, buying up anything that hasn’t been nailed down, 70% of hospital beds taken up by HIV sufferers and an indigent population perpetually on the brink of starvation and you have time for this? Un-fucking-believable. Feels like a bad joke.

And in terms of practicalities, exactly how do they propose to enforce this? And can you really legislate against natural bodily functions? I might be wrong but I think there’s something fundamentally unconstitutional about this. And someone should tell Mr Mutharika that it’s not a nation’s ability to hold its collective fart that marks it as civilized. Ask the British, they should know.

Speaking of misguided African rulers, when did Tsuma pick up the rudiments of the English language? Last time I checked, it was being bandied around that he was little more than a semi-literate, HIV-denying Neanderthal. I watched him respond to questions regarding Mandela’s health and part of me was rather impressed. Perhaps even a little proud. What d’you know, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

While we’re on the subject, I'm chaffed to bits about Madiba. I must say the news that he’d been taken to hospital almost had me in tears. Not sure why but I suppose it’s because the man’s very existence is an inspiration. There’s something inherently good in that mzee. There’s also the fact that he looks more and more like my grand-dad with each passing day.

The highlight of my week though was watching Ed Balls trying to do a 180 degree on his previous contention that we didn’t actually need to make such drastic cuts, to get ourselves out of the crap he and his lot dumped us in. Watching him squirm on Andrew Neil’s Politics Show, I just couldn’t get the image of a cornered rat out of my head.

And then there was George Osborne trying to blame the bad weather for last quarter’s poor results. Priceless. Maybe it’s me but I think there’s a problem with a Chancellor who chooses to use the word ‘flattish’ in his assessment of economic growth. I reckon it’s our just desserts for electing these gits.

Watching Egypt with interest this week. I do hope though that they learn from Tunisia. Helps to have a plan before you get the revolution all fired up, otherwise you end up with the same twats you were trying to rout. All the very best to them and here's hoping it spreads a little South.

How Goes The Referendum?

My thoughts and prayers are with our neighbours to the north today.

I hope that their wishes will be respected.

I hope that the secession works out for them.

I hope they make a better fist of self-determination than we have.

I hope they'll hold Salva Kiir and their leadership to a higher standard than most of us in Sub-Saharan Africa have done with our leaders.

I hope that they have the good sense to learn from us and the courage to tell those who might be tempted to play off one tribe against the other, for their own selfish interests, to bugger off.

Having said that, I think that after a 22-year civil war, the South Sudanese people have certainly earned the right to fuck up their own country as most of us have ours.

Seriously though, I wish our brothers and sisters in South Sudan all the very best. God knows that after all the lives lost and all the misery they've had to endure, they deserve nothing less.

Happy New Year to Me!

Yeah I know, here I go again trying to flog a horse that’s well and truly dead. A bit futile seeing as I have a pretty good idea how this is gonna end; with me too bloody pre-occupied with other things to string a post together. Oh well, let’s see how far I can push this old jalopy before it sputters and dies yet again.

So I’m stoked about the New Year. Last year was a bit shit. I had more crap kicked in my face than I’ve ever had to deal with before. Left me a little punch-drunk, a little unsteady on my feet. My optimism, sense of humour and patience took quite a serious beating. But I seem to have acquired nerves of steel and a rather thick hide.

So why am I so psyched about 2011? See, I reckon life can’t get any shittier. Then again with my luck it just might. But I’m a tougher broad now. I’ll just roll up my sleeves and make a fist.

So here’s to a year of naked navel-gazing. If I manage 12 posts in the next year I’ll be happy. This is me managing my own expectations.